Can't fool Jack!

Every parent remembers the day that their child could spell. It's like "Hey honey, would you like a piece of G-U-M"? And your child is like "Heyyyy, you just asked Daddy if he wanted gum!" (Uh-oh). Now you have to use code words. "Hey, do you want a piece of sugarfree"? Or something that sounds unappealing to a 5-year-old. Sugarfree always works. Jack is usually like "What? No sugar? Ewwwww." Or swear words. You bang your elbow and spell S-H-I-T! Only now, because you have a champion speller in the house, you have to say "S"!!! Damn it's hard not to swear! But, I've gotten really effen good at it. When I hurt myself I usually still need the satisfaction of starting the word I yell with an F, so it pretty much always turns out to be "FART"! I know that's not the nicest thing, but it's the best I can do when I draw blood or lose a hunk out of my shin.

As your child gets older, or smarter, (or both ?), you have to even watch HOW you say things. I unfortunately can't tell Dennis "Uh, really could you even POSSIBLY be ruder when you said that?", because Jack will turn around and use that same tone and inflection when talking to, oh I don't know, his teacher??? Yikes, that one can really bite a mom in the butt.

I even have to watch my end of a phone conversation, because my little smarty pants likes to fill in the blanks and figure out exactly what we're talking about. I do my best to throw him off the trail, but it's not always successful.

me: (into the phone) Really? I can't believe she said that. What a ... (Jack walks in) um ... AWFUL thing she is. Oh, yeah, I hope she gets what's coming to her, because that's not fair. ... Probably because she has no soul and likes to ... uh, hold on a sec.  Hey Jack, what's up?
Jack: Mommm, what are you talking about? Who doesn't have a soul? I thought we ALL had souls??
me: Oh no honey, I'm just saying it as a figure of speech. I don't really mean that. I'll explain when I hang up. (back into the phone) I should go because Jack's done playing and he's listening and...yeah, we'll have to keep an eye on that situation. Okay bye!
Jack: Well?
me: Well what?
Jack: Explain what you were talking about.
me: Ohhh, nothing, it was just a friend, heh heh.
Jack: But what's coming to her?
me: A present? (yikes)
Jack: Noooo, because you said "that's not fair" so it couldn't be a present because that doesn't sound nice.
me: I was talking about someone getting something, but it's not fair because I hope that I get something too! (I offer up a big cheesy smile)
Jack: That's not what it was about at all. (He walks away and doesn't ask me about it again.)